Miss Tregurtha to get magical musical horns
Superiority, WI – The reigning Queen of the Lakes, Miss Paulette R. Tregurtha, will be retrofitted with new horns before fitting out this spring. They have been crafted by the same purveyors of fine maritime accoutrements responsible for the “When You Wish Upon a Star” horns for the world-famous Disney Cruise Line. Sources say the new horns will play out the first line of “God Save the Queen,” although the Jones Act requires the song be referred to as “My Country ‘Tis of Thee.” Contacts at Outerlake Shipping say that the horns will make use of the magical white steam produced by ‘the Queen,’ and hope casual onlookers stop mistaking it for smoke.
Beam us aboard: Starfleet acquires Interlake, plans service to Alpha Quadrant
Cleveland, Ohhhh – In the latest of a string of transactions designed to diversify and orient the company’s positioning for future changes in the economy, Interlake today announced it had entered into an agreement to acquire Starfleet.The Cleveland-based Great Lakes shipping company with interests in passenger transportation and tug operations said the San Francisco-based fictional space fleet with operations spread across the Alpha Quadrant offered access to new markets and cargoes that, combined with Interlake’s proven track record in logistics, positioned both fleets to take advantage of changing economies.”There are planets out there full of iron ore that our customers demand, while our unparalled access to the Inland Seas ensure that that commodity gets to where it’s needed,” said Admiral James Tiberius Tregurtha, liaison between the two fleets.”Indeed,” said fleet science officer Spocker, “the melding of the two fleets resources is entirely logical.”An immediate goal of the merged fleets will be an increased focus on safety within Interlake’s new Deep Space Operations Division. “First thing is,” said VP for Safety James L. Oberstarship, “fuses and circuit breakers for all those bridge control panels. I mean, come on.””I told you, didn’t I?” said fleet medical officer Leonard H. McBarker. “We’re gonna get a freighter.” As McBarker walked away, he could be heard muttering “I’m a doctor Jim, not a shipfitter!”
Media contact: Khr’issy K’adlekh, Q’uonos, Subspace Frequency Three (priority channel).
Crowdfunding to automatically charge account when “make it a museum” is mentioned
Port Opahtie, Michneconsin – An experiment in so-called “crowdfunding” might pay off for Great Lakes museum ships.
Social media sites are partnering with an alliance of organizations caring for retired lakeboats in a synergistic leveraging of participatory boatwatching, according to Ty Tannique, manager of marine assets for Museum-Operated Navigational Entities of Yore (MONEY).
Under a monetization program developed in conjunction with the social media giant Farceblecch, those who want to see this or that aging aquatic asset converted into a money pit will be able to finance their wishes directly, with or without their consent.
“For example, if you type in the phrase ‘They ought to make it a museum,’ our algorithm detects that and, using your online shopping history combined with personal information scraped from your answers to questions such as which breakfast food item ‘has to go,’ accesses your credit card and charges it $100 that goes into a fund that’s divided among existing Great Lakes museum ships,” said Flatulent J. “Sparky” Hindenburg, Chief Aggravation Officer of Farceblecch, which recently changed its name to Meddle.
“We’re working on another algorithm which detects the phrase ‘It looked better before they put that boom on it’ and mails the commenter a shovel and directions to the nearest freighter unloading dock,” Hindenburg said. “It’s, like, really cool.”
The latter announcement caused excitement among many boatwatchers, particularly those with degrees and certifications in navigation, ship construction, weather forecasting and multistate shipping line operation from Farceblecch University, Meddle’s crowdsourced educational institution.
“Not only can I wreck my back and lungs over the course of a week clearing all that ugly cargo out of my favorite parade float — I mean, boat, I mean, ship — I can make unnecessary that big ugly boom that could do the same job in eight hours,” said Capt. R.M. Chair, who is eagerly awaiting his shovel.
The monetization move is expected to raise dozens of dollars for the benefit of museum ships across the Great Lakes, said MONEY’s chief financial officer, Rowlan Innit.
“We’re also looking into using the same process to crowdsource maintenance supplies for museum ships and even active ships,” Innit said. “It’s too early to speculate, but it’ll probably be based on the phrase “Needs paint.”
All-go-maul plans a new series of salt shakers
Port Coalburner, ON – The fast-growing All-go-maul fleet has announced a series of new Daffodil-class vessels to be built next year in Shipwreckbeckistan. The first to be delivered will be named All-go-maul Avenger, followed by All-go-maul Conquest, All-go-maul Devastator and All-go-maul Instigator. The latter will specialize in stirring the pot.
Also announced was the new All-go-maul Terminator (her “All-go-maul” logo on the bow will be replaced with a skull and crossbones and the hull will be painted black). Another new build will be named All-go-maul Oxidier, which will come coated in a realistic-looking rusty patina.
Since the newcomers will only haul salt, life expectancy will be measured in weeks instead of years.
Museum plans to make a boat out of exhibit
Tolid-leeo, OH-hihi – Planned placement of the National Museum of the Just OK Lakes next major permanent exhibit has led to speculation among Boatnerds with too much time on their hands that the museum is planning to turn a well-worn, if beloved, boatwatching cliche on its ear.
By the end of the year, museum director Gil Crisscross said, the wheelhouse of the St. Marys Endeavour — recently installed at one corner of the museum’s building on the banks of the Toledo River in Maumee — will be fully armed and operational. “Uh, I mean, just operational,” Crisscross said.
Officials had no comment on the control linkages seen connecting the wheelhouse to the bronze propeller of the John Sherwin Williams at the opposite corner of the building. The Sherwin Williams propeller is thought to be the largest one-piece bronze cast propeller in the galaxy.”One thing it doesn’t need, is paint,” Crisscross said.
“We’re seeking to give a realistic experience of looking out the windows of a wheelhouse and down the river, almost as if museum-goers were preparing to set sail,” said Criscross. “If the view were to suddenly start moving in response to visitors working the controls in the wheelhouse, well, that’s just so much better,” he said.
“What we want to do with the museum,” he continued, “is to make a boat out of it.”
Beloved steamer Anderdaughter to get sleek new stack, enter the cruise trade
Duhloot, Minnehaha – In response to the explosioning demand for cruise ships in the Great Lakes, the much-revered steamer Arthur M. Anderdaughter will have her No. 1 cargo hold altered to carry passengers. In keeping with her new role, she will get a new stack modeled on the well-known Carnivale Cruise Circles funnel.
“The two fins on the stack will ensure the coal smoke does not dirty the seersucker suits of the suckers that buy tickets for that lash-up,” said Eddie “F. Scott” Fitzgibbons, who thunk this up in the first place. “We will be stacking passengers up like steel coils,” he added, warning that the cargo hold is not air-conditioned. “It will be a real sweatbox in there,” he chortled, adding that he expects a huge demand for tickets due to the Anderdaughter’s connection with a famous shipwreck.
“You know the one,” said Fitzgibbons. “If I have to explain it to you, you don’t deserve to ride.”
In similar news, the museum ship Milwaukee Clipper also be retrofit to ply the lakes, however as a bonus she features actual passenger cabins. As part of the rebranding effort, she will henceforth be known as Milwaukee Paperclipper and should be easily identifiable on the horizon thanks to her grossly exaggerated red-painted funnels.
Amaze.com to ship packages by ships
In order to solve shipping delays caused by the many tankers now carrying taconite on the nation’s not-always-that-freeways, the online company Amaze.com is turning to the lakes to speed up shipments. Consulting moldy deconstruction blueprints, the company has decided to build an exact replica of the 1897-vintage steamer Amazon. The only difference will be her name: Amaze.com.
“We hope to deliver 10s and 10s of packages this way” said spokeskipper Inarrears Admiral Shy-T “Smileyface” Kicker. “Work Hard, Have Fun, Make History,” he added, sucking in a lungful of fumes from his vintage meerschaum pipe. “Shipping by ship! What a concept!”
Amaze.com
R2 will push all-electronic, un-peopled tug-barge barge DeTour
Planet Tatooine, in a Galaxy Far Far Away – Sea trials have begun for the next generation of automation in Great Lakes shipping with the sailing of the barge DeTour, pushed by the fully-automated tug R2.
“It may not look like much, but it’s got it where it counts,” said Inland Seas Spaceship Co. chief cybermechanic O. B. “Juan” Carnauba. “And I made a few … special modifications … myself.”
Asked if the new AETB (All Electronic Tug-Barge) had been built with the assistance of Great Lakes shipyards, Carnauba said he handled the construction himself. “I built it by hand,” he said. “Solo.”
The project started a long time ago in a river port far, far away but had only been able to make the jump with the admission by the Coast Guard that it had really had no idea about crew-size requirements for a ship with no people aboard.
Industry watcher Lara Organic said the new ETB should be able to make the Duluth run in less than 12 fathoms. “At least, that’s what it says on the spec sheet,” Organic said. “There’s some skepticism, given that a fathom is a unit of depth and not of time, but ISSC explains that by saying the R2 unit has worked out a method hauling more cargo at reduced draft. We’ll see.”
In a separate statement, the R2 unit emitted a series of beeps, whistles and hoots which, according to ISSC, translates as “I think I’m fast enough for you, old man.”
A trend that might be trending: Yet another ship for lakes to be built in U.S. yard
Carp Bay, WI – Toledo-Sandusky-Cliffs Shipping Co. is contemplating the building of yet another ship in an American shipyard, maintaining the breakneck building pace of recent decades.
“In keeping with the future uncertainty as to the type of cargoes to be shipped on the Lakes, this new build will feature entry doors in the side of the hull that lead directly into the cargo holds, which will be configured to hold not only dry bulk, windmill blades and (with enough duct tape) liquid cargoes, but also a rack for cars and pre-installed shelves and showcases for museum exhibits,” said T-S-C spokesman Bill Schitter.
The last option represents a unique strategy of looking forward into the past, he said.
“Sitting at dockside producing no revenue and begging for pennies so unpaid volunteers can keep the ship in paint for the edification of cargo-shorted, flip-flop-wearing loudmouths dripping ice cream all over the place is a relatively lucrative market going forward,” he said.
Delivery is expected in 2056.
Thanks to Don “Duck & Cover” Lee, Jeff “Skin & Bones” Gushman, Ethan “Severstar” Severson, Don “Beav” BeVier, Roger “Ramjet” LeLievre and others who wish to go unrecognized for reasons that should be oblivious.
